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Month: July 2017

How to Love (a Woman)

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Go out and meet women. 

Desire women. Worship them. Get nervous and talk to Her anyway.

Absolutely love, love, LOVE women. 

Celebrate the whole of womanhood in every woman you meet.

Get rejected. Lose gracefully. Talk to more women. Date every woman who wants to date you.

Ask her everything you want to know about love. 

Listen. Listen beyond her words. Make up your own mind.

Fall madly in love. Feel everything you are invited to feel.

Kiss. Kiss some more. Kiss as often as you can.

Stop trying to be cool. Blurt. Mess it up. Feel sick to your stomach.

Share your sadness. Share your fear. Share your enthusiasm.

Open up your heart and be the first to say “I love you”.

Be the boyfriend,  be the lover, be the husband… make love your supreme concern.

Feel exhilaration, feel hurt, feel loss, feel stupid… have your heart broken, leave each other with dignity, be down in the dumps, forgive, pick yourself up, and do it all over again.

To give all in love,
without regard for a broken heart,
is rarely reciprocated.

However,
to hold back for fear the other will give less,
proves you right every single time.

Don’t hedge your bets.
It is better to trust and be betrayed,
than to mistrust and find out you were right.

If you try to avoid entanglements or every encounter from going to ruin,
not one of them will be memorable.
A man who does not want to get hurt in love will never be blessed by beauty.

However,
a man who seeks to be struck not by an everyday woman,
but rather by a woman of beauty,
will bear witness to marvelous glory,
especially in loss.

from ‘the Way of a Seducer‘
read the book here.

The Holy Trinity of Experiences

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There are 3 experiences that will teach you everything about life and love you want to know.

Words, courses, books, workshops,… may serve as valuable guides in your journey through life, but there is no better teacher than the experience itself.

To have those experiences, you have to create those experiences. Once you show up and create those experiences, the experiences themselves will provide all the answers to your questions. They will teach you everything you want to know about life and love.

If you want to become a better dancer, show up at the dance. If you want to be better with women, show up in the land of women. If you want to be good at living life, create these 3 experiences:

1. Go and live by yourself

To live by yourself is often a great first opportunity to start designing your life. Who am I today and what do I want my life to look like? What do I want? What is my authentic desire? What do I truly love? What are my priorities? To live by yourself not only offers a great opportunity to ask yourself these questions; it will also provide the first answers.

Note : You are not living by yourself if you are not doing your own laundry! 🙂

2. Go travel

To travel far and wide adds perspective to your own vision. It puts your own convictions into perspective, so you can make more deliberate choices. To see new cultures, to meet different people, to be immersed in nature… opens up new worlds, and with each new perspective, you gain perspective. To gain perspective helps you become aware of your assumptions, of your default perspective, and by becoming aware, you gain the freedom to make more deliberate choices about what you want your life to look like.

3. To meet magnificent women (for women, to meet magnificent men)

Women are excellent mirrors; they will show you where you are at in life. And it takes a truly feminine, magnificent woman to unlock your full masculine power. When you meet beautiful (not hot) women, you start understanding your role as a man on this earth. Beautiful women inspire you to be an authentic man of integrity.

You are not a man till you hear it from the lips of a beautiful woman…

Hans Comyn

How to Compliment a Woman

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Have you ever seen a good-looking woman react to praise by withdrawing?

You work up the nerve to tell her “You are beautiful,” and she reacts to your praise by distancing herself…
Does it feel rude to you? Do you feel rejected?
Why would she do that?

Well… why wouldn’t she?

Think about it… why would she make an effort when you already praised her? Why would she contribute to the seduction, when she is already ‘beautiful’? Because you are a nice guy? Because you deserve something in return for your compliment?

People do not care about you, they only care about how you make them feel.

The tragedy of many good-looking women is that they never get the opportunity to seduce. Many good-looking women do not know how to be beautiful, because they never had to. They never had a chance to become beautiful, to seduce, because men trained them that way… with their empty praise.

I am not making excuses for the women, some of the greatest women I met in my life were both good-looking and beautiful and seductive – I am only trying for men and women to understand each other better.

I call it empty praise because that “You are beautiful” has often more to do with him than it has to do with her.
In many cases, his praise serves as a hidden attempt to get something in return from her, or at least lift his own self-esteem by showing off what a ‘lover of women’ he is.
When this happens, his praise does very little for her sense of self… and even less for the seduction at play.

Empty praise is non-seductive because it is ultimately a form of indifference.
When he shows off what a ‘lover of women’ he is, he shifts his attention away from this moment with her, he stops seeing and considering this girl and her world, what she feels, what she aches for, what is needed for her to be seduced.
When he praises her that way, he loses his number one seductive quality… his presence.

How can you change this?

Stop praising a woman just because she is good-looking.
Instead, if you decide to praise her, praise her when and for doing something really difficult, like moving through the world with beauty and grace, like being joyful, like being non-judgemental, like not being jaded but open and curious…

Praising her for doing something difficult shows that you see her, that you are considering her and her world. Praising her for doing something difficult shows that you are present with her, and presence is your number one seductive quality.

Presence is your number one seductive quality because, more than praise, we all crave the feeling of being heard, of being seen, of being felt. We all crave the feeling that someone is trying to think about us, that someone is considering us, and we crave that feeling more than we crave praise.

She does not need your empty praise, she needs your presence.

Hans Comyn

Did you have sex while you were away?

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I knew she was going to ask.
I am prepared, and yet, there is always a tension…

We are waking up together… I am not sure how this will go – our relationship is young –
but I am confident because I have been here before.
I am confident because I am true to myself,
I am confident because I care for her.

“Did you have sex while you were away?”
– Are you curious, or can you not help yourself from asking?
“I am curious.”
– … (gauging the truth of that) … I don’t think you want to make it your business. Please be careful what you ask for. I will tell you this though: I did not and will not promise you sexual exclusivity. That is a promise I will not make. Whether or not I had sex is not your business, unless you really want to make it yours. And I don’t think you do.

I look her in the eye and smile kindly.
She turns away.
She turns back.
She slaps me.
She gets up in protest.
I pull her back, pull her panties down, and ravish her.
She loves it.

Here is the deal.

It would have been easy for me to say “No, I did not have sex.” It would have been convenient, because I did not.
It would have been easy to answer her question truthfully, and avoid the real matter.
It would have been convenient to not address the real issue underlying her question.

But this is not about me having had sex with another woman or not.
There is a bigger issue at stake here, and I take the responsibility to address that issue before I am ever put in the position of answering her about it.

The real issue of this conversation is sexual exclusivity, the expectation thereof, the promise, the assumption… and so I address the matter before she does. I lead that conversation. And I am sincere in it. This is my way to carve our relationship.

Can you see how ‘honesty’ becomes a relational issue?
Can you see the importance of leading that conversation in order avoid that my or her assumptions, expectations or willful ignorance destroys the relationship that we are forming?

Hans

p.s. Here is a video I made on this very same issue.

4-Step Guide to a Heartbreak

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When is the last time you were heartbroken?

My last heartbreak was in 2012. My girlfriend had something with my best friend, and it affected me greatly. I will tell you more details when we meet.

Most of us have been heartbroken. And more than a necessary evil, I believe heartbreak is essential in the growth of a man, of a seducer. I know the heartbreak grounded me in a way I am very grateful for.

Here is my 4-step guide to get over AND make the most of a heartbreak:

1. Take your time.

Decide that this time is glorious with great opportunities. Don’t try to beat your time. Accept that this will take time, and decide to spend that time well.
I see in hindsight, there is no way to shortcut the time that is needed to get over a hearbreak. You have to get through it, all by yourself. It took me a couple of years really (!) and for me, the moment I knew I was completely over the ordeal, was when I met a woman, whom I thought was even greater.

2. Feel as much as you are invited to feel.

Don’t ignore the pain, don’t avoid the pain… go right through it.
Life seems to me in many ways about the amount of tension we can fix in ourselves, so go there as much as you can.
I remember I would seek out my girlfriend and my friend in order to really feel that pain. It was gut wrenching, and it made me feel alive. I am happy I did it.

3. Share.

Talk with your friends. Write to them. Blurt whatever you are feeling. Share with anyone who wants to listen.
I remember I went to Japan after a couple of weeks, and there, I continued to articulate my feelings, share them with anyone who wanted to listen. People I had never met. It always felt like a relief. Like I was slowly but surely lifting a burden of my shoulder.

4. Use your feelings to create.

Make music, write poetry, write letters, make videos…
The strong feelings have strong creative power.
In Japan, I wrote my first album. I remember sitting there and writing music. I had met a woman who did not speak English, and we would sit and I would play music to her and we would drink sake … and it saved me. She saved me. The creation and her being there, listening. It was magical.

(You can listen to that album here).

Heartbreak done well can be a glorious chapter in your life.
I know it was in mine.

Hans