Month: August 2017

Man’s anger is a gift, even though he’s been told a kazillion times the opposite.

From working with thousands of men over the years, it has become clear to me that anger, more than sex, is the biggest taboo in our day and age.  As men, even more than for our sexual desires, we are guilt tripped into thinking anger is a bad thing. By men, by women, our parents, our teachers, the media…

Countless times we are shown what pain aggression has caused the world, and we have come to associate anger with that pain.

We believe anger and aggression are the same thing, but they are not.

Anger is a feeling. Anger just is.
Anger is a feeling, that can be expressed negatively or positively.
We can use anger constructively in the form of assertiveness.
We can re-act negatively to that feeling, resulting in aggression.

Examples of using anger constructively are anger as impetus for personal growth, artistic creation, or boundary control with the people in our life.

The surest way to be a slave to the feeling of anger and remain unable to use it constructively is by presupposing anger is bad, by ignoring it, by running away from it…

In order to become an integrated man, one needs to acknowledge and accept one’s anger. It is only through awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s anger, of what is, that a man can choose assertiveness, that is to use it in a constructive way.

During the Way of a Seducer course, we spend 2 weeks becoming aware and starting to accept our anger.
The way we do it is through self-expression, inclusive of the other.

Hans

p.s. HERE is an artistic example of how I used my anger in a constructive way.

I commit. I thrive on commitments. I believe they are the cornerstone of every relationship.

Just not in the way most assume it…

When I speak about commitments, I am not talking about the vague, presupposition-ridden and half-assed ‘we’ll see how it goes’ kind of commitment that is rampant in our day and age.

To me, commitment means something different in at least two ways.

One, a commitment means that the alternative is no longer an option.
When I commit to finishing my book, not finishing the book is no longer an option. I will work towards it until it is done.
When I commit to taking responsibility for my own happiness, I will never blame you for the way I feel.
When we commit to connection, I will stay and try to make it work, no matter what.

Because the alternative is no longer an option, a commitment like that will set you free.

Two, to make a commitment is a very deliberate act.
Since the alternative is no longer an option, it becomes very important what it is exactly that you commit to.
And so, this deliberate act requires careful consideration and clarity. The commitment must be understood, and may therefor require for you to articulate it explicitly, announce it, or have it agreed upon by the other.

I love the idea of exchanging vows in a relationship for example, but they are a far cry from the traditional inconsiderate vows too many marriages seem to be founded upon. (If you have any doubts about that, ask 10 married couples about their vows, and count how many of them have clarity about the promises they made to each other … for life!)

In my relationships, I commit to doing everything I can to keep myself happy.
I commit to not holding the other responsible for my happiness.
I commit to non-violent communication.
I commit to avoid criticism, blaming, judging, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.
I commit to connection.
I commit to rawness.

Would you commit that?

Hans Comyn

p.s. Read more here.

All through my twenties and well into my thirties, I was not particularly popular with women.

Every now and then, however, I attracted a beautiful woman, and once these women got to know me better, they rarely wanted to leave. I seemed to speak to their imagination.

In hindsight, I realize that my forte with women has been my ‘verticality’, as one of them called it. The fact that I would do everything to please her, but always for my own reasons. I could not accept when a woman crossed my boundaries, and would never sell my soul to her, however good-looking or beautiful. I was always prepared to leave and never feared being left.

Many years later, it crystallized to me that if a man is lacking in anything in order to tap into his full seductive prowess, he is lacking in integrity. Even when he is charming, and the kind of man she likes the company of and to converse with; if this man is not in the dreams of beautiful women, it is because he stands for nothing or very little. There is not much that he can be trusted for.

If this man wants to be a great seducer, his primary and overarching focus should be to discover and create – to carve – his integrity.

Throughout history and from what I have gathered on my travels, no great seducer was ever a moral guardian, but each one of them had strong integrity. I would go as far as saying that the abundance a woman experiences from her beauty, a man can only attain through fame or his integrity.

Everywhere in the world, women wonder: ‘Where have the real men gone?’.

What she is aching for, I believe, is a man of integrity, a man who stands for something. A man worthy of her trust. She wants to find a man she can trust enough to surrender to.

In this day and age, the invisible powers of the almighty mundane loom in every corner. They drag us down, suck our soul and kill us slowly.
Few of us wake up to the idea that to resist these powers is the fight of our lives. Something is not quite right, so we sense, but we have become so good at tolerating our plight that we end up giving in and settle for less than we dreamed of. Like frogs in gradually freezing water, growing more numb with every dropping degree.

A critical step in becoming a seductive man is to find and fight those drag-ons. To recognize their power and stand unwavering. To not give in, to never settle, or – if necessary – to fight back.

To seduce is an act of rebellion.

A man committed to fight that battle till the bitter end instantly becomes the fantasy of beautiful women. Such a man grows from a man she likes the company of, to the man she cannot stop thinking about. That integrity is an indispensable condition for every glorious seduction. Such verticality is a prerequisite for a man to keep seducing his Woman.

A man has to be upright, so as to allow Her to be frivolous.

From the foreword of ‘the Way of a Seducer – A Code of Honor in the Land of Women‘