Month: October 2017

Recently, I made a facebook post and a YouTube video on why ‘getting into a relationship’ is terrible for your relationships. In a way, to get ‘together’ with someone is often the beginning of the end of a relationship.

I received many reactions to the video, and several of you asked me what it means to focus on relating to each other.

What does it mean to relate well?

I have no sure recipe for successful relationships, but I know several practices that certainly help.

These are in my experience the 5 best ways to improve your relationships right now.

1. Commit to connection

For relationships to work, you need 2 people who want to make it work. 2 partners who are committed to make it work, no matter what. With empathy across the table, everything is possible. Without it, all is lost.

2. Commit to openness

Co-create a safe place where both of the partners feel secure to share anything they want to share with the other. To create this space, both have to commit to openness.

3. Practice fighting gracefully

The quality of your relationships is not determined by the absence of disagreements, but by how you deal with disagreement. Check out Doctor Gottman and avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse : criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.

4. Practice emptiness

When listening (and talking), practice emptiness by getting rid of judgment, preconceptions, expectations. How prepared are you to change the assumptions you have about your partner or the people you meet right now? Practice presence and just being with the other (in their world).

5. Practice seduction

Seduction is the secret ingredient of every thriving relationship. When the previous 4 ways will help you improve your friendship, seduction will keep the romance, the passion alive. Keep seducing your wife!

The last practice is probably the hardest one, and it is why I do what I do. Half of the work is your intention and commitment to keep seducing each other. For the other half, contact me and join our community.

Which of these practices are you already doing? Can you suggest any other practices that have helped you in your relationships?

Hans Comyn

Seek to be seduced

One should always seek to be seduced.

It is the only thing that matters, it is your number one concern.

So as not to succumb to the invisible powers of the almighty mundane,

which suck you in and drag you down,

one must seek to be seduced without respite.

But seduced by what?

By women, by beauty, music, poetry or virtue, as you please,

but seek to be seduced.

And when you find yourself stuck in traffic,

walking the bleak hallways of an office,

or yearning in the dark solitude of your room,

seduction fading or died out,

ask the wind, the birds, the waves, the stars, your Gods,

anything that whispers, sings, roars, shines or speaks to you,

ask them what to do.

And the wind, the birds, the waves, the stars, your Gods… they will all reply:

“Seek to be seduced!”

To not become martyred slaves of everything that is common,

seek to be seduced,

and be relentless in your pursuit!

By women, by beauty, music, poetry or virtue, as you please,

but seek to be seduced.

Adaptation of ‘Enivrez-vous’ by Charles Baudelaire

From “The Way of a Seducer – A Code of Honor in the Land of Women“

Have you ever had a good encounter with a girl, but afterwards she does not reply to your messages?
Or a date that felt good, but afterwards she becomes unresponsive?
You can feel she likes you, but she still disappears…

How often does it happen that a girl you like, likes you back?
It is frustrating then that even those girls don’t reply… or disappear from your life.

I will tell you why.

Yesterday, I was talking with my friend Martin.
He told me he had met a girl. They talked online and she was very responsive to his messages. They went on a date. It went well. He felt she liked him. And he liked her. They bid farewell, and she told him with enthusiasm: “I will be seeing you again.”

The next day, he sends her a message telling her he enjoyed the evening. He also invites her for a next date.

24 hours later and she still has not replied…

Martin is annoyed and asks me what is going on.
Instinctively I answer him: “Even if a woman likes you, she may not answer your messages. Hell, she may even disappear from your life… .”

His frustration grows. It does not make sense to him. “But why would she not answer when she likes me? If I like a girl, I always reply.”

For the first time I ponder upon an explanation for this intuitive truth…  A few seconds later, I find a way to articulate it.

The best explanation resides in the different context they live in. Women live in abundance, while men live in scarcity… that is why they behave different.

Let me clarify.
Beautiful women live in a context of abundance that few men will ever reach. Because of her beauty, she gets solicited constantly. If a woman has any beauty, we have several men working on her. We swamp her with likes, with messages, with questions and requests…

It is only natural that she forgets to answer some of those, even if she has the full intention to do so.
(I understand this. I get so many questions from men, that I forget to answer some of them, even if I have the intention to do so.)

On top of that, the context of abundance means that she is in no hurry to act on it – at least less so than men. Even if she likes you, and you like her, she knows that that situation will happen again soon enough.

A man however, experiences the situation of liking a girl that likes him as a rarity. So he will act on it fast. And he certainly won’t forget!

This is why she is not responding to him even if she likes him.
This is why my friend is frustrated that she is not responding to him, even though she likes him.

For the women, does that describe your situation well?
For the men, have you even been in a similar situation? How did you solve it?

Hans

P.s. What to do about it, you ask?
Because of situations like this, the focus of the Way of a Seducer course is broad. Not only do we focus on ‘outer’ and ‘inner’ game – say the interaction itself and our own growth. We also focus on the bigger picture. We try to understand the context of men and women in order to help men like Martin. If you want to take 1 of the last 2 seats for our November class, send me a message now. Here, on facebook, instagram or via gmail.